Member-only story
Beside Myself
I want to go back
to a life I never led.
in new york
of course,
but uptown
in a doorman building
instead of a 6th floor walk-up,
on east 3rd street
next to the hell’s angels.
I want to wake up
in that other life,
and go to that job i never had
but somehow remember so well.
in that office with a view
and calls that were screened,
where the difference I made
could be perceived by others
besides myself.
how I love that job, still.
I want to take cabs
and smoke dunhill cigarettes,
drink absolut martinis —
but stop at two.
so I can still enjoy the play
and laugh at the very idea
of a hangover.
I want to throw dinner parties
with a sandy-haired lover
who wears my cufflinks,
and who knows how to argue
but always gives in
because he loves me so.
I want to fuck on our marbletop counter,
in the kitchen we renovated
with the money
from his trust fund.
Once in a while,
I’d just like to see
a different me
in time’s mirror.
don’t get me wrong
I love my scars
but there are perhaps
a few too many.
