My addiction drove me to drug dealing and prison, so I get it. And I have been off meth for 15 years.
I found the support of 12-step groups essential. (We have a large Crystal Meth Anonymous in LA, but AA its very welcoming) At least for the first few years. As an atheist, I simply defined God as the great “I don’t know” and repurposed the steps and meetings as group therapy on a budget. But making new friendships with people who really understand exactly your experience is life-changing.
Addiction has access equal access to the physical and mental components of your brain as you do, meaning it’s a 50–50 fight. What it doesn’t have access to is the spiritual, so whether you believe in God or just the power of laughter and love, attaching to something that gives you and edge over the addiction is important.
The other thing that’s really important is to acknowledge and “see” the anhedonia (difficulty in experiencing pleasure) that’s inherent to the initial stages of sobriety. And not to confuse that gray feeling of the first six months (at least after any pink cloud wears off) with the brain you will get back when it retrains itself — which can take up to a year or more, but DOES happen. That is why so many relapse after just a month or two, they think if it’s going to be like this forever, why bother? Well it won’t be like this forever.
And staying away from sex for a while is really a good idea, just because, as gay men, we tend to think abstinence is some sort of life-threatening illness and learning that it’s not (learning it down to your bones) is really helpful. That there’s is nothing about staying in on a Saturday night and reading a good book (or doing some art, or writing, or Netflix binging or just spending time with a friend) that makes you a loser. Even doing that 50 Saturdays in a row. (When your testosterone levels drop in a few years, you might even find loss of libido a huge gift, as I do.)
I had to learn to be accept that if we were meant to have sex for 12 hours with 4 partners and 3 costume changes, our brains would have evolved to do that sober. Instead, most people can barely last 20 minutes. That is perfectly normal. It is all right to have some fond memories of the crazy times. But meth makes you pay for every moment of pleasure. What I ended up doing is hating the crash so much is that I was high all the time, and then guess what? It’s pointless. You’re just not-crashing. You can’t get high that old way — your brain is like a wet (and dirty) sponge that just get any wetter but can’t clean anything either. (Oh, and it can lead to prison!)
As you have discovered, you no longer can ride the high that way you could at the beginning, that it descends rather quickly into hanging out with lower companions, (or being one) frenzied compulsion, and bad choices. And will every time now. Basically, you know exactly what will happen if you get high again. What you don’t know is what will happen if you stay sober tomorrow, and when you lap your previous records, you REALLY don’t know. Embrace that mystery and getting addicted to IT. It works, it really does.

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